3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
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