She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
