She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
