so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
