I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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