At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
