why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
