matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
