I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
