I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
