I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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