I smell stomach acid.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
