Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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