Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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