so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
