I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
