I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
