I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
