im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I need moral support for this bender
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
