there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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