i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
