You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
