We got so high we made milksteak
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
