Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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