She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
