sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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