i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
