she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
