My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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