my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
