The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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