it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
