My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
