So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
