But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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