I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
