You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Your penis caused this!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
