on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The air taste purple.
I'm really busy with my period
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