I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
