I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
