you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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