I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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