you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
