and you said cock pushups were impossible
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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