My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
