Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
