She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
