I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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