Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
