John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
